snarl.

Well, I’ve done my best to neglect this for the last couple of weeks, and it’s been a success.

I’m still as close to rock bottom as I’ll probably ever get – I’ve been sticking to my bad habits consistently, somewhere around 4 weeks straight of daily purging and whatever other manic things I can think of.

Yesterday morning I was filling an order (bakesalery.etsy.com) and was picking at dough. I had just run 2 miles, done 20 minutes of elliptical, and 20 minutes of spinning – and and hadn’t eaten anything but the dough and swigged a new Vitamin Water Zero. Nate went out, and so nauseated from the sugar I took the opportunity to throw up.

So here’s where the funny part comes in. The last week or so we’ve been having trouble with our toilet. We have one of those low-flow eco toilets, and our super has been out twice to “snake it” with no luck. It dawned at me that it’s probably my throwing up (or as Nate explained it “throwing a plate of food into the toilet”).

Anyway, he asked me if I HAVE to do it, don’t do it in the toilet. So I threw up in all three of the garbage cans in our house. It was like pure acid, because I hadn’t eaten anything. Ugh, it was so awful. My throat is killing me today.

…so here’s the good news (?). I realize there is no middle ground for me. No normal 6 workouts a week, with 1500 calories. I need 1400 calorie days, and 10 workouts a week to feel good. Or at least to shut up the miserable feeling in my head and stomach that I have to deal with otherwise.

I also ate a jar of seven pickles on Friday night at it was awesome. I suspect that might also be why it was so acidic. Ha.

I hate writing in here with such negativity. I spend alot of time gazing at other women, eating unhealthy food and wonder how they can possibly feel ok doing that in public. I see people drinking fresh green juices, and wonder why my body couldn’t sustain on just that.

Blah.

bottoms of barrels.

I hate to find myself in a place that I thought I’d come far from.  Just when I was thinking I was on top of my ED, and I was able to punch out mostly negative thoughts about food and my body, it has decided to win yet again.

Because of constant back and hip pain, I’ve scaled my running back to at most 4.5 miles a day, but ranging as few as 2miles a day. I don’t like it, my body doesn’t seem to like it and I feel like a fat ass because of it. I still work out 270 minutes a week. I still burn almost 3000 calories a week.

Truly,  I think I jinxed myself. Binging/purging hadn’t hardly crossed my mind until I had a doctors appointent with my OBGYN who innitially gave me some local eating disorder clinques and specialists that I could contact, because she felt that I was headed down an unhealthy path. When I met with her she was thrilled to see that my weight, one year later was exactly the same. Naturally – I was devastated. I don’t really think THAT part of it was what set it off, it’s more that I’ve been unhappy with my body more than usual the last few weeks, and I suddenly was reminded of an old friend that helped keep the misery at bay.

So, Friday night I purged. Saturday night, I purged. Then took a laxative. Then took two more Sunday morning.

Sunday was the vegan bakesale for Haiti, I spent the whole day surrounded by sugary confections. I didn’t even eat anything there, save for a few bites of a really small danish and I felt so overcome with guilt and stomach pain. I somehow was convinced that just thinking about eating everything in site was going to make me fat.

I did end up eating a lot of stuff that I purchased, which I desperately wanted to purge but my stomach hurt so bad that I just drank water until I thought I’d throw up on my own. I took laxatives that never kicked in, too.

Whatever, I’m sick of thinking about it.

yeah.

amazing white chocolate cherry cheesecake truffle.

Originally uploaded by rachaelrayforever

Spending the last week making things like this are probably why I feel so fucking fat.

better than the last.

I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, now that the holidays have past. Not because of the stress of shopping, not for teasing by my husband of my terrible wrapping skills, not by the endless hours of traveling, and never ending to-do lists – but all because of the eating.

Last year, between Thanksgiving and the second week of January I managed to gain over 15 pounds. The majority of it was between Christmas and our week long trip through the Midwest to Chicago.

My stocking had been stuffed that year with granola bars, clif bars, and mixed nuts – and I ate them all in embarrassing binges. In Chicago, I ate without discretion, and loaded up on chocolate chip cookies and cupcakes to stay warm in the freezing apartment we stayed in. It was really, really awful.

I vowed early in 2009 that I wouldn’t make a repeat of last winter – my Thanksgiving was suprisingly successful, mostly due to my 6 mile runs 5 days a week, and I did struggle a lot the week before Christmas (especially since I was yet again injured for 11 days and unable to run, however still doing 45 minutes of cardio a day).

I baked hundreds (almost a thousand, actually) of cookies, brownies, breads and various treats to give family members and friends – naturally sampling each bit of batter and finished product for its approval. I felt like a load, and was sure Christmas would doom me.

I already conceeded to not counting points during the holidays, mostly because I feel like that always makes me either anxious or miserable, and generally binge as a result. Christmas eve was probably the only day where I had the most trouble, mostly because I indulged in a lot of cocktails with my husband and brother in laws – combined with a sweet tooth for the cookies I’d made and some spiced nuts made by my aunt-in-law.

Anyway, Christmas was over, and New Years came and went. I find that I have a hard time sticking to a plan of calories when I’m not at work, so the days off certainly didn’t help – however Holly and Pat were in town, and being that Holly is a Weight Watchers Lifer, sticking to low cal foods and long workouts was pretty easy.

I HAVE put on a few pounds, but I blame that in part for the fact that since I’ve been injured, and now well again, I have cut my running back to just once a day (before I was doing 2-3 miles in the morning plus 30 minutes of cardio, then 3-4 miles in the evenings). I felt like pushing myself to an unsustainable schedule of working out, and the fact that I would avoid socialalizing with my friends or family so that I could work out was something I wanted to change in 2010.

Now I’m doing 3 miles plus 15 minutes of cardio in the morning (I’d love to do more, but because I need to get to work, time doesn’t allow it..), I’d like to start doing 2-3 extra runs on evenings during the week, probably 2-3 miles. My knees are incredibly sore this week from the cold, so I’m going to take it a bit easy until my bones have readjusted to this cold weather.

 Another one of my 2010 resolutions, or at least something I’d like to do for the year, is to avoid eating DIET FOOD. No splenda, no sugar free crap, no fat free garbage. It never leaves me feeling satisfied for what I wanted, and I usually end up overdoing calories or craving something else afterwards! I spent a lot of time this weekend baking and storing things in baggies in the freezer, and tossing out and remainer of gross tasteless diet food. If i’m going to eat a 200 calorie muffin, instead of a 100 calorie muffin, at least I know it’ll taste delicious and it won’t have been a waste of my efforts.

90/10.

Last night I had a mini binge-fest on some chocolate-mint vegan “lentils” (aka the kosher/vegan version of M&Ms). Then I made a daiya & corn tortilla quesadilla. Hump day is always just that for me.

I have been burning almost a thousand calories every day and it makes me feel so strange. I feel like I should be thinner than I am.

I sound grumpy, but I swear I’m not. Tonight I’m getting drunk with people from work, and I cannot wait to forget about 80 minute cardio days.

skinny

I’m back to five miles a day + 30 minutes “regular” cardio. That equals out to be about 1000 calories a day, 80 minutes of cardio a day. Whoa! 

Also, I love pesto.

ten for ’10.

New  Years are all about resolving things that you hate about yourself, right? I looked to see what I made resolutions for last year, and am sad to say I don’t think I achieved any of the three. Dammit! Let’s try that again, shall we?

1) Pay off the last $1004 of my credit card by my birthday.

2) Be a “better” wife; this is an intentionally ongoing resolution. I always want to be better.

3) Stay as active as possible, run as many miles as I can and enjoy my body.

4) Spend more time with Meaghan. Weekly dates are planned.

5) Spend more time with my mom.

6) Use my cookbooks more, make something new once a week.

7) Blog more.

8) Take more food pictures.

9) Make a realistic budget, and stick to it.

10) USe Illustrator more. Be more creative in general.

I am thankful for not blowing my diet.

Thanksgiving was a success. I didn’t calorie count from Thursday til Sunday, but between running my ass off and just generally eating once or twice a day (granted, they were huge plates full of carbs and delicious things) I am not a huge fat cow.

Understanding.

Today is one of those days where I feel great. My husband today told me I look the thinest I’ve ever looked – and I agree. The scale isn’t agreeing, but I also wasn’t solid muscle a year ago (when I was clocking in somewhere in the 150s). I’m down ten pounds since I switched over from WW to Spark. I feel awesome.

We’ve been really busy with our move (which is over and amazing and I love my apartment so much).

The last couple of weekends were spent moving, and then an already planned trip to DC, and then more moving. During the week I was OK (on the cusp of naughty) and decided after DC I’d be back to running on a good schedule and would stop eating so much damn sugar.

Weekends were a different story – I was definately not binging, but I also was very haphazardly counting calories. The night we came back from DC, I wasn’t feeling so great, and ended up eating a vegan chick’n parm sub and an entire container of soy delicious. The next day I ran five miles.

The rest of that week was mostly well behaved, but this past weekend, again, we were moving and I didn’t have internet access, so I didn’t plan or even pay much attention to what I was eating. Come Sunday night I calculated mentally what I’d had for the day and realized I was way under (yes, I had cake for breakfast, but I had a cup of wheat pasta with homemade sauce and a salad for dinner – and nothing else all day). And Thursday I ran six miles, Friday was four, Saturday was three. Sunday I took off, and yesterday was four. My new regimine is 30 minutes of cardio (either stairclimber or elliptical) plus run one mile in the morning immediately after the cardio, then lift, then stretch – then I run my three milers at night. I’ll up that to a four miler at night when I feel like I’m ready to sustain that much mileage a week again; but honestly four miles a day with my 1500-1600 calories a day seems to really work well for my body.

This is the first Thanksgiving for me in a couple years where I’m not completely preplanning my calories and how much I can eat of what, and calculating all my recipes. I’ve decided to just eat like a normal person. I sometimes think that my brain says “I can have 200 calories worth of these potatoes so I will eat them” even if I don’t even really want that much.  Then I end up wanting more of something else instead and eat that, too. So instead of eating what I want, I consume both. Anyway – I’m looking forward to a day of just being mostly normal. I’ll get up at 7 when the gym opens on Thursday and knock out 3 or 4 miles and spend the rest of the morning prepping my tummy for roasted brussels sprouts and apple pie.

 

 

pop goes the Weasel.

I finally am able to run again (!!!!), albeit I cannot get my pace back (I’m going too fast, thus tiring out at half the distance I was going before).  It’s a long road to recovery, so I’m just glad I can move in general.

Husband and I went to DC this weekend, and surprisingly ate pretty well — I had a salad/steamed tofu our first night, and split a cookie. SPLIT. We did visit the vegan bakery, but it was hardly a free for all, plus we walked for nearly ten hours AND visited the hotel gym on Saturday morning.

My general eating/health was a little whack up until we left, I felt like I was eating way too much sugar, so I cut back on that big time since we’ve been back – except I’ve been on a weird soda (diet of course) this week. I’ll kick that once I finish the bottle of cranberry ginger ale in the fridge tonight! Mm!