bottoms of barrels.

I hate to find myself in a place that I thought I’d come far from.  Just when I was thinking I was on top of my ED, and I was able to punch out mostly negative thoughts about food and my body, it has decided to win yet again.

Because of constant back and hip pain, I’ve scaled my running back to at most 4.5 miles a day, but ranging as few as 2miles a day. I don’t like it, my body doesn’t seem to like it and I feel like a fat ass because of it. I still work out 270 minutes a week. I still burn almost 3000 calories a week.

Truly,  I think I jinxed myself. Binging/purging hadn’t hardly crossed my mind until I had a doctors appointent with my OBGYN who innitially gave me some local eating disorder clinques and specialists that I could contact, because she felt that I was headed down an unhealthy path. When I met with her she was thrilled to see that my weight, one year later was exactly the same. Naturally – I was devastated. I don’t really think THAT part of it was what set it off, it’s more that I’ve been unhappy with my body more than usual the last few weeks, and I suddenly was reminded of an old friend that helped keep the misery at bay.

So, Friday night I purged. Saturday night, I purged. Then took a laxative. Then took two more Sunday morning.

Sunday was the vegan bakesale for Haiti, I spent the whole day surrounded by sugary confections. I didn’t even eat anything there, save for a few bites of a really small danish and I felt so overcome with guilt and stomach pain. I somehow was convinced that just thinking about eating everything in site was going to make me fat.

I did end up eating a lot of stuff that I purchased, which I desperately wanted to purge but my stomach hurt so bad that I just drank water until I thought I’d throw up on my own. I took laxatives that never kicked in, too.

Whatever, I’m sick of thinking about it.