snarl.
March 1, 2010
Well, I’ve done my best to neglect this for the last couple of weeks, and it’s been a success.
I’m still as close to rock bottom as I’ll probably ever get – I’ve been sticking to my bad habits consistently, somewhere around 4 weeks straight of daily purging and whatever other manic things I can think of.
Yesterday morning I was filling an order (bakesalery.etsy.com) and was picking at dough. I had just run 2 miles, done 20 minutes of elliptical, and 20 minutes of spinning – and and hadn’t eaten anything but the dough and swigged a new Vitamin Water Zero. Nate went out, and so nauseated from the sugar I took the opportunity to throw up.
So here’s where the funny part comes in. The last week or so we’ve been having trouble with our toilet. We have one of those low-flow eco toilets, and our super has been out twice to “snake it” with no luck. It dawned at me that it’s probably my throwing up (or as Nate explained it “throwing a plate of food into the toilet”).
Anyway, he asked me if I HAVE to do it, don’t do it in the toilet. So I threw up in all three of the garbage cans in our house. It was like pure acid, because I hadn’t eaten anything. Ugh, it was so awful. My throat is killing me today.
…so here’s the good news (?). I realize there is no middle ground for me. No normal 6 workouts a week, with 1500 calories. I need 1400 calorie days, and 10 workouts a week to feel good. Or at least to shut up the miserable feeling in my head and stomach that I have to deal with otherwise.
I also ate a jar of seven pickles on Friday night at it was awesome. I suspect that might also be why it was so acidic. Ha.
I hate writing in here with such negativity. I spend alot of time gazing at other women, eating unhealthy food and wonder how they can possibly feel ok doing that in public. I see people drinking fresh green juices, and wonder why my body couldn’t sustain on just that.
Blah.
